I’m starting to realize that being a parent is all about living in a constant state of euphoria, absolute fear, wonderment, sadness and complete and total happiness. I am not a religious person per se, but anyone who knows me knows me as a very spiritual person. I talk to God (Goddess, Higher Power) on a daily basis whether via prayer or my inner chatter just needing to tell someone all of these crazy new feelings of thankfulness, happiness and fear. Here is generally how that chatter goes…
I look at my son in amazement and wonder and think, “Wow, you are so cool, I never thought I could love someone so much. Thank you God, thank you so much for letting me be a part of such a wonderful life, thank you for trusting me with one of your children. Please God, please keep him safe. Please don’t make him have to experience the abuse and suffering I had to endure. Please let us keep our jobs and the comforts you have provided to us because we really, really do appreciate them and while I know that we don’t need all these creature comforts that you have provided and we know that so long as we have the love of each other and the desire, we can make it work, we still really would prefer to not have to go through losing these comforts. And, I know that you have more important matters to deal with (war, poverty, strife), but I’ve been led to believe that in your omniscient power, you are able to hear all your children equally and so here I am praying to you that you will keep us healthy, safe and happy, but am adding in some specifics as well. Oh, and again, we are so, so, so thankful for everything you have given”.
It sounds almost desperate doesn’t it? And long. But, this/these thoughts travel through my brain daily, hourly and strangely sometimes by the minute. I travel this thought train from a euphoric feeling of thankfulness and love to an almost debilitating feeling of fear that if I’m not thankful enough, it could all just disappear.
I am still in constant amazement the love that I feel for my child and am often almost brought to tears over this love and feel like this love, if bottled and corked, would just explode. One day while driving home, I was thinking about a family I only know peripherally whose son was diagnosed with a brain tumor at the age of 6 and who passed away last month. This sends me into a tail spin, this thought of losing my son and causes me to [over]think how thankful I am, how much I love my child, how I would emotionally die if anything horrible happened to him and it dawned on me – this must be what it’s like when the proverbial ‘they’ talk about God’s love for us, his children. Now, let me say it again, I am not a religious person – I don’t go to church and have never read the Bible cover to cover. I have always been spiritual, but it was after having a child that this ‘spiritual awareness’ really started to kick in for me. This is when I found myself having conversations with God daily – be it just saying thank you or praying for my friends and family to be helped and kept safe. I find that my eyes and my heart have been opened wider. It is during these times that I wonder, perhaps seeing the light, or going towards the light can happen during our lifetime rather than just after death.
My son literally saved my life (a tumor was discovered) and since his birth, I feel more awake, my heart feels lighter and more open to receive this light. With this awakening, I struggle with the fear – the fear of loss of my son, our jobs, our happiness and then bounce right back to the knowledge that we will be okay…we will be okay so long as our son is okay…we will be okay so long as we stick together and talk…we will be okay so long as I keep this dialogue with God open and so long as I keep my heart and eyes wide open. And, then I ride that crazy thought train again:)
So, thank you, thank you God, thank you Goddess, thank you to everyone reading and to anyone who feels similarly. Thank you for the peace, the love, the prosperity and abundance that fills my life. I am forever grateful.
lifevents
